Crocus Mode

When the world gets dark, I tend to go the way of a crocus. I close up. Hide out. Sign off.

This natural behavior in plants is called nyctinasty. Scientists provide many explanations for why certain plants do this. I know why I do it.

The world can be a scary place. People freak me out on a regular basis. Not just the mass murderers, but even people on the road or those yelling hateful slurs at others in grocery stores. The last two docuseries I’ve watched remind me just how disturbing it can get out there. Two men sharing their account of being deceived as children. Another child taken in the night.

See, the thing with me is that I feel things deeply. Since I was little I’ve had a tendency to absorb, imagine, and empathize to the point of anguish. I never knew quite what to do when I witnessed others in pain. I quickly began to feel it. I remember there was a boy in my school who had a sibling with cancer. When other girls my age probably fantasized about kissing this boy, my thoughts tangled up with how I could help, how I can ease his pain. It’s always been like this for me. And I’ll be the first one to admit, it’s a little awkward to be like this. I eventually figured out I could stuff a lot of emotion in my stories—my characters. That resolved some of the empathy overflow.

But I still anguish for others. I grieve the current condition of the world. I grieve how it’s always been.

So, for self-protection, restoration, and a way to channel and/or preserve my resources, I close down sometimes when the world gets dark. I nyctinasty. Only for a little while though. Because I’ve also learned the great value of remaining open to the light.

*Miss you, Dad.

Talking to a Survivor of Sexual Assault

If someone trusts you enough to bravely confide in you about a sexual assault, your reaction matters.

I’ve been sickened in recent days, witnessing the great divide in our country, as well as some incredibly callous responses to women who’ve chosen to come forward about crimes done to them.

We can learn from these days. How we treat people always has and always will matter. This is not a political post. This is a post reminding people to tap into the dignity of what it means to be human—thoughtful beings on this earth.

I’ve gleaned the following from articles and from trying to live as empathetic and nonjudgmental life as possible.

Suggestions for When Someone Chooses to Share Their Abuse with You

• Listen. In our share-all-opinions culture it may feel tempting to spout off the first thing that comes to mind. A story about your niece being attacked. Your opinion of the current President. Even linking their story to recent news stories. Don’t. Sit quietly and listen.
• Don’t Question. Do not question whether they are telling the truth. And please, don’t ask “blaming” questions, i.e. what were you wearing, why were you out so late…? You are not the police. You are a safe person they chose to tell.
• Acknowledge. That you see them. Look them in the eye (as comfortable for them). Assure them that you hear them.
• Refrain from Judging. Validate their experience. Mentally put yourself in their shoes, but know you will never fully understand what it is to be them, to have gone through what they did.
• Don’t Try to Fix Things. You cannot fix it. You will want to. You’ll be tempted to find ways to make it better for them, searching for words that will help. Kind and loving words may help, but you cannot fix the past.
• Don’t Avoid Them. They chose you and this moment. Please don’t brush them off, avoid the topic, make light of what they’ve shared, or send them to someone else. You’re it. I can’t state this enough: how you react matters to them.
• Support. Offer to report the offense together. Make it clear that you will remain a steady support.
• Keep Confidences. But if they’re not ready to share the offense with anyone else, keep what they’ve shared safe. Do not gossip about what they’ve told you. This is their truth and they’ve trusted you with it. Prove to them that you’re trustworthy.
• Share a Glimpse of Hope. During a low time in my life I heard the acronym for H.O.P.E. Hang. On. Pain. Ends. In as loving a way as possible, extend a seed of hope. Pain feels excruciating and hovers near unbearable at times. They will get through this. They will work through healing.

If I’m being fully transparent, I wanted to spend the past few days lighting a holy fire into some of the heartless things I encountered on social media. Insensitivity. Light it up. Chauvinist ideology. Light it up. Divisiveness. Light it up. Misguided ignorance. Fan the flames.

But I decided to spend my time privately reaching out to, thinking about, praying for, and investing in those I thought might be re-traumatized by recent events in the news. I let my healing friends know how much I love them.

We have a lot of choices to make about how we spend our short time here on earth. I devoted my time in recent days to speaking love into the lives of some of the bravest women I know.

I 8 Monday—What to Say When There Are No Words

Last week I read online about a family tragedy someone I know has been dealing with, a hardship that would make anyone who’s ever stressed over a dinner menu embarrassed beyond belief. My

heart leapt toward this woman and what she’s been going through. I began to imagine what she might possibly be feeling, with no real success. Only a strong attempt to understand. I spent time reading the reactions to her beautifully written, vulnerably raw post. Mostly, I felt incredibly thankful for the lack of judgment I encountered in the comments.

Which sadly, led me to several times of struggle in my own life where people shot off some incredibly stupid things. Specific incidences come to mind. In the aftermath of my miscarriages. When my family received news my sister’s tumor was malignant. But one of the worst “warnings” came when I visited a drug rehab as a sixth grader, in effort to help my older sister on her road toward recovery. One of the counselors looked right at me and said I’d end up just like my sister. (P.S. Hey Clueless Counselor from the late 80s, I am like my sister in creative and risk-taking ways. I did not turn out just like her in the heartbreaking addictions she’s suffered. Thanks for the vote of confidence. Did wonders for my sixth grade psyche.)

All this to say, I’ve come to learn there are ways to handle situations where few or no words suffice better than impulsive ramblings. Words will never cure a tragedy. But timely, discerning words, spoken with wisdom, can provide unexpected encouragement and a balm to the soul.

What To Say When There Are No Words

1. Love. Express your love for the person. So much is communicated in that one word. Often, you don’t need to bookend that word with anything. It’s strong on its own.
2. “I’m sorry you’re going through this.” Saying this evokes empathy and indicates that you care. It’s simple, but it can speak volumes.
3. “How can I be there for you?” People feel loved during times of hardship in different ways. A meal might be perfect for one person and repulsive to another. Some people need time to cry by themselves, while others need to know they can wipe their snotty nose on your sleeve and you won’t judge them.
4. Don’t feed them an answer for the unexplainable why. This one is more what not to say. Bite your tongue before you spill off a list of reasons why this tragedy might be happening. I got my share of these after the miscarriages. Not a single one comforted, encouraged, or made me feel at peace with my situation. Mostly, when people spouted off their guesses as to why I lost my babies I felt like they had some insider information I didn’t. I’ve grown more comfortable with leaving questions unanswered, at letting that be part of my journey.
5. Validate the hurt. There are unique ways to do this. Avoid saying things like “I know exactly how you feel...” Instead, focus on them and how the circumstances might be impacting their life.
6. “You are not alone.” Again, not the time to share a long story about how your Aunt Betty also got cancer and is now in complete remission. But…I do think there’s value in letting someone know they’re not alone. Certain situations can feel extremely lonely. This reminder, at a thoughtful time, can provide wonderful comfort.
7. Something. There’s the temptation to keep quiet, to not say anything out of fear you’ll say the wrong thing. I get it. I’ve said plenty of screwball things in my life, meaning well. But avoidance communicates the message that this great sad thing they’re going through isn’t important to you—that you have too much going on in your own life to bother to reach out.
8. Nothing. Wait, what? I know, I know. I just suggested to say something. But there’s a difference between saying any old thing and saying something well-timed and thought out. Just as there are seasons for everything, I truly believe there are times to just close your mouth and reach out your arms for a hug. Or times to pass on a letter. Or, as one child did so memorably for me following a long season of darkness, to extend out a handful of yellow daffodils. 

Hmm. I was only planning on whipping up a quick little post. Guess I had a lot to say on the subject. ;-)

*A huge shout-out thanks to Carrie, for you know what. 

Six Ways to Give Your Creativity a Vitamin B12 Shot

Several months ago, after a doctor visit I discovered I’m vitamin B12 deficient. There were signs something was off. I’m glad I got to the root of what was happening with my body. Because there was a solution. And I’m on it. After a few weeks of receiving vitamin B12 shots in the arm, I now take the highest dose of vitamin B12 and I’m back in action.

Our ability to be creative can fall into a slump sometimes, too. Something can just feel “off.”

Today I’m hooking you up with six ways to inject you with a burst of creative energy. I’m all about inspiring you to get your imaginative juices flowing once again.

Change Up Your Routine

I recently was struck by what a successful entrepreneur admitted to doing in Fast Company. He shared how he frequently varied his routine, with the specific intention of allowing the floodgates of change and ingenuity to flow in. Sometimes we impede fresh ideas to filter in when we grow too accustomed to our days unraveling the same way. We become handcuffed by routine.

Step off the path. Turn off the phone. Drink coffee several hours after you wake up. Okay, now that’s just crazy talk.

Get More Sleep

Zzzz’s are good for mental clarity. Forgo the must-see TV show. That’s what TiVo is for. Your brain will thank you for it.

See Deep as the Veins

When’s the last time you noticed the veins of a leaf? They’re really quite beautiful when you take the time to have a closer look. The potential is out there for you to do this in all aspects of your life. Listening in on conversations while waiting at the doctor’s office. Noticing a relative’s wrinkles when they smile. Registering what happens to your body when you feel excited, scared, tired, etc. Look deeper. Feel deeper.

What’s Going Well?

One question. Wake up thinking about the answer to this one question. If you make a point of starting your day with a grateful perspective you might be surprised how many streams of innovative ideas shine down on you. Because you are making a choice to see a sun that’s always been shining.

Become a Five Senses Guru

Smell the budding flowers. Pet your dog a thousand times. Take time to savor the taste of an avocado. Spend ten minutes doing nothing but listening to the sounds of birds twittering outside your window. See a world in a grain of sand—make Wordsworth proud.

Try On Her Shoes

Imagine—really imagine what it’s like to be the grocery store clerk. What makes her laugh? Who is her best friend? Don’t just skate over the surface—what’s her favorite color, whether she’s married. Plumb the depths. Practice empathy. By envisioning what life might be like for another I’m willing to bet you’ll be blown away how your own life implodes with fresh inspiration.

What rejuvenates you when your creative juices are drying up?

*THE DELICATE NATURE OF LOVE is only .99 cents for a limited amount of time on Kindle! Buy your copy today!!! And I'd love your help spreading the word! 

How Stepping Out of Circles Has Influenced My Creativity

Through the years I’ve encountered several experiences when I’ve moved away from a circle I was in. Sometimes this was by choice. Sometimes it wasn’t. No matter the reason why I left the circle, I can look back and respect how the sudden change altered my creative life.

Leaving circles has influenced me to…

Say Goodbye to My Comfort Zone

When you’re inside a circle you feel a strange sense of protection. Maybe it’s the invisible boundary. Maybe it’s how all is contained within. So it can be terrifying to step out—to not know what the world holds for you beyond the boundary. But it can also be eye-opening. After all, there is a whole world out there.

Shed People’s Opinions of Me

I haven’t mastered this yet, but with every circle I’ve been nudged out of I’ve gained a better sense of who I am and who I want to be. I’ve learned the value of not placing my sense of worth in what others think of me. It’s unbelievable what this can do for creativity. Without the fear of judgment, the mind has few limits.

Inspired Me to Become More Resourceful

This is especially the case when I’ve been sent packing. I remember some sad seasons when I felt like I lost my closest friends in life, only to realize I knew some really cool people I hadn’t paid attention to because I was so busy keeping my eyes fixed within the circle.

Break up My Routine

There’s something about circle living that invites monotony. Do the same old thing in the same old way. Seek approval for that thing. Stay within the confines. Parting circles taught me the beauty of doing things differently. Of trying new things. Of stretching myself.

Increase My Empathy

It’s never fun to be shoved out of a circle. But it can teach so much. In the aftermath of circle living, I had a choice. I could wallow in the pain or I could allow the pain to inform me about the kind of person I wanted to be and the way I wanted to treat others. This is creativity at its best. Receiving pain in life and being able to knead it, turning it into something else.

Brought My Goals into Focus

Change inspires focus. It’s interesting stepping away from a circle could actually conjure a better sense of attention, but as soon as I was stripped of things I’d relied on, that’s exactly what happened. I was left asking the question, “What now?”

In full disclosure, after leaving some circles I’ve had to adjust to a drawback as well.

Loss of Support & Connection (whether real or perceived)

It’s taken me a long time to accept how there are seasons for everything. Can’t it always be spring? But even in the heartache that’s come with circle evictions, I’ve grown. I’ve garnered a strong sense of what fuels me and my creativity. I’ve grown more discerning. And, hard as it is for a sensitive soul, I’ve learned to move on.

When’s the last time you left a circle? Looking back, can you see how it influenced your creativity?

The School of Life: Seven Powerful Lessons I Hope to Impress Upon My Girls

School is back in session next week. My girls will get their heads jammed full of all kinds of knowledge. However, there are some lessons I hope I’m instilling in each of them on a day-to-day basis. I thought I’d share seven with you today.

The Value in Investing in Something Greater than Yourself

Whether it’s by signing up for a Love 146 walk, collecting winter wear for the homeless, or making regular trips to Goodwill, I want my kids to see me making sacrifices for others.

Resiliency is Character-Building

Life knocks us down. People knock us down. We do well enough knocking ourselves down. The key is getting back up. It’s during the process of shaking off the dust that we begin to understand what we’re made of.

Creativity during Life’s Waits

I’m fairly certain 94.279387594375 % of life is spent waiting for something. Case in point, here is a little play-by-play of my “wait” list. Grow up. Get my period (yeah, what was I excited about on that one?), first kiss, boyfriend (wait, isn’t that backwards?), graduate, college, first place, job that suits me, marry, have babies, discover my calling (my life seems a tad out of order), see the fruit of that discovery grow to its full potential (still waiting). See where I’m coming from? And I didn’t even mention lines at the grocery store or Marshalls.

I do something earthshattering while I’m waiting in line with my girls. I ask them questions…we talk.

Kindness Trumps Argumentativeness, Hubris, or Inaction

Trust me, there are times I feel like Venus Flytrapping some people. When I witness road rage. Entitlement. Flat out ignorance or selfishness. Yep, want to swallow those suckers whole only to spit them out in a sewage plant. However, it’s a good practice, when tempted to practice kindness. Not fakeness. Not flattery. But a moment of slipping out of my own thoughts and attempting to enter theirs. Then doing something (albeit oftentimes small) about it.

Discipline

I’ve written eleven novels in less than seven years. That alone is enough to send the message I’m serious. That I’m invested. My girls see what I give up in order to devote time to writing. Little spies…they see everything.

Tenacity

Where passion lives, get tenacious. That’s the message I hope computes. Also, don’t give up easily. Become resourceful. When the time calls, speak up. Be a voice that’s not only heard, it’s heeded.

The Beauty of Empathy

I’m one of those people who has a horrible time remaining in my chair if I see someone crying across the room. Could be a complete stranger in tears. I have to fight not to leap toward them and smother them in a hug. Backing off from this a tad, I hope I’m teaching my girls to take risks with this one. To ask someone who’s crying if they’re okay. To stick up for a kid being picked on during recess. To go out of their way to the point where it feels a little uncomfortable in order to let someone else know they matter.

 

There are many other messages I’d love to know my kids are receiving, that are becoming a part of how they perceive their role in this world. But these are the biggies I wanted to share with you today.

Have you ever given thought to what your kids are learning outside of school?

 

8 of the Best Ways to Step Inside the Shoes of Another

If you’ve visited here much you know I’m a huge proponent of empathy. I believe it transforms characters to become more authentic in novels, it draws people closer together, diminishes the fierce intensity to judge, and provides countless opportunities for us to grow.

Whether we’re trying to better understand our main characters or that family member who keeps confusing us into next week…

Here’s my I 8 Wednesday list of ways to step inside someone else’s shoes:

Understand How She Communicates

Some are talkers. Some are writers. Some express freely. Some shy away. Some are passive aggressive. She has experienced life. She wants to share—how will she go about doing so?

Consider Her Past

Everyone has been hurt. And everyone’s hurt places tell a story about who they are today. Scars, emotional or physical can stand out like the equator when we’re trying to understand the map of one’s soul.

Share Her Dreams and Failures

She has hopes. She’s failed. Both have influenced the person she has become. Take a moment to imagine her dreaming…and failing. Is she inspired by People or National Geographic? Does she give up easily or dig in until her fingers bleed?

Which Relationships Does She Value Most & Which Does She Fear Most

What’s that saying that we become most like the five people we spend the most time with? Who does she surround herself with? Who terrifies her? Why?

From R.E.M. to Early When She Rises

Our thoughts are often freshest in the morning, most unscathed by the distractions of the day. Attempt to wake up in her skin, facing the day as she might. Is she wide-eyed, bounding from the bed full of exuberance or dragging herself to the coffee pot as she smashes sleep further into her eyes?

Work with Her

Does she like what she does? If not, does she have a hobby or something she pours herself into outside of work that fulfills her? Take on her hobby for one day.

Take Yourself out of the Equation

We’re all influenced by our own life experiences. Make a concerted effort to view the world as she might. Strip yourself of any preconceived judgment likely waiting to pounce. Does she handle her emotions and take on the world vastly different than you do?

What is She Hiding

So much of communication is unspoken. What do you suspect she hasn’t told anyone? Or only a trusted few? What does this secret say about her?

I believe empathy is one of the most effective antidotes to judgment. We all judge, it’s part of our wiring. But there is a way to salve the sting of our judgment—by cultivating a spirit of empathy.

When is the last time you felt compelled to become more empathic toward someone?

*photos by stock.XCHNG

 

8 Indicators a Novel Idea Possesses Staying Power

I’ve admitted to you before how frequently I come up with new story ideas.

But not all seeds have what it takes to root and develop into a beautiful potted plot. I wrote a post about how I whittle my ideas down as a process of testing them to see if they’ll make it over the long haul here.

Today I’m highlighting eight indicators an idea is strong enough to last:

Relevance Factor

Is there something about the theme, subject matter, or main conflict that evokes immediate recognition, feeling, or resonance in our contemporary culture? In the news? A well-known event? Something I’m intrigued to learn more about (a must)?

Head Talk

When characters start playing out conversations in my mind I’m inclined to reach for a pen and start taking notes. This also occurs a little later in the plotting stages and tends to signal to me a loyalty to move ahead. It’s a major score for a writer. Yes, my characters will talk to me.

Plot Twists & Conflict Flourish

Plans for directions the novel could take begin to jut off like streaming estuaries as opposed to dry up like cracks in the desert. Love when this happens!

That First Date Feeling

I reach the point where I’m so fascinated I want to ask a million questions. I must know more.

Wake up Excited

To unravel the story.

Can’t Sleep Excited

To unravel story. Enter pen and paper by my bed for middle of the night jottings.

Depth Potential

Does this idea have the potential to stir up something deep within me? If so, I explore it further. If not, I shut it down.

Off the Charts Empathy

This is one of my favorite stages of writing—when my main character becomes “alive” and I begin to “feel” what she’s feeling. I know a novel has what it takes to stick around if my protagonist is churning this kind of reaction in me.

It seems like not much has staying power these days. Technology changes faster than I can finish this sente… Loyalty is hard to come by. But I’m loyal through and through. I’m also discerning. It pays when I evaluate the stories that are worth my time and energy.

How do you assess whether something has staying power in your life?

*photo by stock.XCHNG

Key Attribute for Strong Novel Writing

The longer I write the more convinced I become one specific quality has the greatest potential to improve my novel writing. But before I get to that, let me throw out a few brief scenarios.

Glimpse:

A shivering man on a bus shoves his way past a red-eyed woman as she clutches the hands of two shoeless children, both wiping away smears of mud from their cheeks.
~
A life support machine falls silent. An intimate crowd of what you guess to be loved ones release tiny tearful noises, but one. One woman (the only one with her eyes open) stands in the corner of the room by the stained curtain, twisting her watch on her wrist and you swear you spy the slightest hint of her upturned lip.
~
“I do,” she whispers as though we can’t all hear—we’re not all watching for this exact moment.

Out of character with his clean-shaven chin, the groom, the man I beat one hundred and seventy-six times at gin rummy, the childhood friend who extracted leeches from my calves until my skin bled, the only one I’ve told about that one locked memory, echoes the unrealistic promise.

I shudder as my oldest friend slides the gold band on her pencil-thin finger. I let out a sigh, making sure it’s louder than a whisper. I intend to be heard.
~

Have I left you in suspense long enough about that one imperative quality?

Empathy.

At heart, I believe every writer is a psychologist. People intrigue us. We wouldn’t write characters if that weren’t the case. With this, I’ve noticed the more empathy I feel toward others, the stronger my writing becomes. Characters take on more layered emotions, more depth, and more authenticity.

Ultimately, empathy impacts every single crucial aspect of novel writing, including two biggies, characterization and motivation.

It’s worthwhile to call upon empathetic feelings for main characters—our likable characters, but also for our antagonists.

Let’s briefly revisit the three above scenarios.

I want to know more about these people and I have questions based on what I’ve read (even though I created these w/in a few minutes time, playing w/ POV, etc.). This is good. Inspiring readers to ask questions is a sure sign you’ve conquered the first step in getting them engaged.

Questions about bus scene:
Why is the man shoving past a woman with kids?
What’s up with the woman’s red eyes?
Why are the kids shoeless and muddy and why are they suddenly wiping the mud off their faces?

~
Questions about hospital scene:
Who died?
Why does everyone in the room have their eyes closed?
Why is the one woman fidgety and potentially smiling?

~
Questions about wedding scene:
What’s up with the immediate sarcasm?
Why is the groom out of character on his wedding?
What has the narrator so riled up? Is it jealousy or what’s the story? And why is she so sure it’s an unrealistic promise?
~

Some of those characters above might turn out to be “the bad guys” but already I care about them. And that is the number one goal for an author—to incite readers to care.

Empathy. Unexpected, huh? But I swear by it. In life. In my choice profession. In fact, I have no doubt I’m drawn to writing novels because of the abundance of opportunities to demonstrate empathy.

As a reader or writer, have you noticed the powerful influence of empathy in a work? Can you tell when it’s absent? What say you about empathy being one of the best resources for novel writers?

*photo by flickr
**All “I”s are on somebody. Come see who in about an hour here!