The School of Life: Seven Powerful Lessons I Hope to Impress Upon My Girls

School is back in session next week. My girls will get their heads jammed full of all kinds of knowledge. However, there are some lessons I hope I’m instilling in each of them on a day-to-day basis. I thought I’d share seven with you today.

The Value in Investing in Something Greater than Yourself

Whether it’s by signing up for a Love 146 walk, collecting winter wear for the homeless, or making regular trips to Goodwill, I want my kids to see me making sacrifices for others.

Resiliency is Character-Building

Life knocks us down. People knock us down. We do well enough knocking ourselves down. The key is getting back up. It’s during the process of shaking off the dust that we begin to understand what we’re made of.

Creativity during Life’s Waits

I’m fairly certain 94.279387594375 % of life is spent waiting for something. Case in point, here is a little play-by-play of my “wait” list. Grow up. Get my period (yeah, what was I excited about on that one?), first kiss, boyfriend (wait, isn’t that backwards?), graduate, college, first place, job that suits me, marry, have babies, discover my calling (my life seems a tad out of order), see the fruit of that discovery grow to its full potential (still waiting). See where I’m coming from? And I didn’t even mention lines at the grocery store or Marshalls.

I do something earthshattering while I’m waiting in line with my girls. I ask them questions…we talk.

Kindness Trumps Argumentativeness, Hubris, or Inaction

Trust me, there are times I feel like Venus Flytrapping some people. When I witness road rage. Entitlement. Flat out ignorance or selfishness. Yep, want to swallow those suckers whole only to spit them out in a sewage plant. However, it’s a good practice, when tempted to practice kindness. Not fakeness. Not flattery. But a moment of slipping out of my own thoughts and attempting to enter theirs. Then doing something (albeit oftentimes small) about it.

Discipline

I’ve written eleven novels in less than seven years. That alone is enough to send the message I’m serious. That I’m invested. My girls see what I give up in order to devote time to writing. Little spies…they see everything.

Tenacity

Where passion lives, get tenacious. That’s the message I hope computes. Also, don’t give up easily. Become resourceful. When the time calls, speak up. Be a voice that’s not only heard, it’s heeded.

The Beauty of Empathy

I’m one of those people who has a horrible time remaining in my chair if I see someone crying across the room. Could be a complete stranger in tears. I have to fight not to leap toward them and smother them in a hug. Backing off from this a tad, I hope I’m teaching my girls to take risks with this one. To ask someone who’s crying if they’re okay. To stick up for a kid being picked on during recess. To go out of their way to the point where it feels a little uncomfortable in order to let someone else know they matter.

 

There are many other messages I’d love to know my kids are receiving, that are becoming a part of how they perceive their role in this world. But these are the biggies I wanted to share with you today.

Have you ever given thought to what your kids are learning outside of school?

 

Lessons of Survival Part 2

I gleaned so much from reading Surviving Survival: The Art and Science of Resilience I wanted to share

more of what I learned with you.

Throughout Surviving, Laurence Gonzales asserts the importance of not giving up. He writes, “Our ongoing survival requires relentless attention.” And Gonzales really started talking my language with,

“You have to believe you can influence what happens in your life.”

Does this mean I cling to the steering wheel of life, turning and careening to manipulate things to go my way whenever I’d like? Pft, anytime I try that I end up having to relearn humbling lessons, dust off pride, and cry uncle while simultaneously crying out for a do-over.

Nope, believing we can influence what happens in life is an expression of trusting God to move us through our circumstances—trusting God will move in us. It’s risking enough to step out of the boat and onto the raging waves despite the fact we know we could sink at any moment.

In Surviving Gonzales provides 6 ineffective strategies (what he calls immature defenses) people use in attempt to deal with difficult circumstances.

These are:

Projection—blaming someone else

Passive aggression—responding with anger

Dissociation—denial

Acting out—examples include fighting, drinking, gambling

Fantasy—taking a leave of reality

Hypochondria—imagining you are sick all the time

Then Gonzales details 12 proven strategies for overcoming hardships and pulling through.

These are:

Recognize the reality of the situation. Accept it. Prepare to deal with it.

Remain calm (think, analyze, plan & know what you have and what you want)

Set achievable goals

Act on your plan (movement…I’m kinda a fan of this word)

Celebrate success once you’ve taken action

Count your blessings

Pray (I took notes on this part and I can’t read my writing. This is either play or pray. I’m going with pray b/c it’s worked for me but I don’t recall if that’s what Gonzales wrote)

Giving (find meaningful purpose)

Believe you can influence events

Surrender

Do whatever is necessary to move forward. Let go of your fears.

NEVER GIVE UP

I like how Gonzales highlights twice the amount of effective ways to navigate through the aftermath of tragedy than ineffective ways.

When we’re at our most vulnerable we’re more susceptible to buy into the lie that our influence here is insignificant. I’ve said it before and I’m sure I’ll say it again, you matter. Your life here matters. Horrific circumstances have a way of stripping this truth from us. Without a shadow of a doubt, I’m here to remind you there’s a reason you’re here.

Hope.

*Post dedicated to fellow New Englanders, Bostonians + loved ones

**photo by stock.XCHNG

***I’ll be sporadic online the next few weeks. Next post will be on April 30^th

****I’m thoroughly enjoying my friend Susan DiMickele’s Working Women of the Bible. It’s been a blast to feature so many cool books my friends have written over the past few weeks. 

Lessons of Survival Part I

Reading Surviving Survival: The Art and Science of Resilience reminded me of times in my life when I’ve

walked through the fire. Times when I’ve looked back and been awestruck I somehow came out on the other side of tragedy. I should mention that what I’ve gone through pales in comparison to the shark attack, the bear mauling, the Holocaust accounts, among other horrific events portrayed in the book.

Even still, the insights I’m about to share (in two parts) have scooped me up out of myself on more than one occasion. I was engrossed in Surviving Survival and many of the coping techniques rang familiar. I’ve employed them. The chicken and egg conundrum asks whether I read about these strategies at some point and subconsciously put them to practice or if some of what I’m about to share kicked in naturally.

Are some of us just more naturally resilient?

I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure I’m going for a medal in resiliency?

Because I’ve benefitted from the strategies identified in Surviving Survival, I’m excited to pass them on.

If you’ve endured a devastating life change and are struggling to move on with life (or you know someone in this situation), here are a few steps to take…

Sublimation—do something to channel your energy and anxiety

(I write novels. I paint. I run. I refurbish furniture. I create whatever, whenever.)

Altruism—doing something for someone else

(I was flooded with love and meals and kindness at a time of great loss in my life. I still swear to this day the only thing that pulled me out of this time of grief was finding someone else to shower with love and kindness and meals. Passing it on saved me.)

Suppression—not thinking about the trauma, distracting yourself from it

(This one is the most difficult for me. I’m a dweller. But running does wonders. Running and nature are great distracters from rough goings.)

Anticipation—seeing the future clearly and preparing for it

(I draft lists. I bounce ideas off trusted friends. I refuse to sit in the mire of my undoing. I act upon my dreams.)

Humor—Laugh at yourself (and the misfortune) to help heal

(Hands down my favorite coping technique. I must get a double dose of endorphin release when I crack up. I’m often caught laughing at myself while grocery shopping or driving in my car. I talk to myself in public too. All in the name of survival.)

~

Throughout Surviving, Gonzales depicts additional ways people overcame their difficult circumstances. Among them are: Focusing on positive emotions, exuding gratitude, finding something to laugh at, exercise, eating well and staying healthy, staying socially connected, and finally, “Above all, avoid self-pity.”

Gonzales quotes Tolstoy, “Ah, if only you might learn, through suffering, to believe that the only possible happiness—true, eternal, elevated—is achieved through these three things: Work, self-denial, and love.”

Truth is, we’ll all face a hardship that will threaten to sink us at some point in our lives. It’s not whether or not it will happen, it’s how we’ll choose to deal with it when it does.

What fascinates you about resiliency? Anything I shared today surprise you?

*photo by stock.XCHNG

**I’ve been having a blast featuring books written by some dear author friends of mine. This week I encourage you to check out Heather Sunseri’s Young Adult debut, Mindspeak!

The Unexplainable Nature of Resiliency

I’ve woven threads of resiliency into every single one of my protagonists, but I’m certain I’ll explore the unexplainable nature of this enigmatic human behavior at greater lengths in a future novel.

My mom and I have hour-long conversations on the topic. And I gravitate toward reading any book bestowing this theme.

Resiliency.

Why do some people bounce back while others give in to a state of dwindling despair?

I’m finding UNBROKEN, the harrowing account of an Olympian turned WWII crash survivor turned POW, near impossible to put down. And I keep playing one question over in my mind.

As an Olympic runner

Over a month at sea following his plane crash, haunted by sharks, blisters slicing open his skin, and hunger difficult to conceptualize

Enduring repeated cruel physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional brutality from those in charge of the POW camps

What made Louis Zamperini go on?

I’ve encountered rough seasons when I’ve felt emotionally, mentally, and spiritually pummeled, but nothing to the extent of what I’m reading. There’s no doubt I’m one hundred percent inspired by Zamperini’s persistence and resiliency. I recognize a flicker of it in myself. It’s that fight thing I’ve got going on whenever I sense I’m being dragged under. The incurable optimist in me bursting from the depths.

I can’t answer in entirety why Zamperini survived—what cultivated the fight in him. Most certainly it’s tied into resiliency.

I can say for me it always comes back to a little thing called faith. That “little thing” that has won over all fear and hopelessness in my life yesterday, today, and forever. That’s where the will to go on lives for me.

My desire is to broach thoughts about resiliency with you today. Read the following two passages from UNBROKEN. (This specific scene reflects on the extended time the three soldiers spent at sea in the aftermath of their plane crash.)

“Mac’s resignation seemed to paralyze him, and the less he participated in their efforts to survive, the more he slipped. Though he did the least, as the days passed, it was he who faded the most. Louie and Phil’s optimism, and Mac’s hopelessness, were becoming self-fulfilling.”

 “Though they both knew that they were in an extremely serious situation, both had the ability to warn fear away from their thoughts*, focusing instead on how to survive and reassuring themselves that things would work out. It remains a mystery why these three young men, veterans of the same training and the same crash, differed so radically in their perceptions of their plight. Maybe the difference was biological; some men may be wired for optimism, others for doubt…” (*bold mine)

Tell me what you’re thinking. What does it take to make someone resilient? Have you bumped up against the unexplainable nature of resiliency?

*photo by stock.XCHNG