My Relationship with Words

“A word after a word after a word is power.”
― Margaret Atwood

Words have always possessed a mysterious and infectious power for me. I’m not exactly sure when this initially took root, but I imagine it dates back to many overlapping instances that each contributed to who I am today.

One of the first stories I ever wrote revolved around a boy who was assigned the difficult task of naming all that existed around him. His circumstances, his environment, events both painful and exhilarating, birthed the beautiful process of naming. It’s how he grew to understand the world. As a maybe-ten-year-old, I imagine this young boy’s story was closely linked to my own.

Or perhaps my fascination and reverence for words came alive during a rowdy dinner table moment. I had three older sisters and often our conversations tilted toward the profane. Wearing thin of this, my parents tried something new one night. They invited us to, on the count of three, yell out our favorite curse word. One. Two. Three. At maybe-ten-years-old, I let the F-word fly. Everyone else kept their traps shut so my F-bomb shot out like a solo grenade. I think my parents were intending to strip profanity of its brassy lure. I get it. But something else stuck with me that night. Words have impact.

Some words I wear like scars. Others I have tucked so far deep down inside me, they’ve ossified like bone because they’ve meant that much.

Words are exquisite. Volatile. Heartbreaking. Tender. Blades and balm. They evoke all kinds of reactions and interpretations. They are our primary way of communicating, of speaking both love and hate.

I’ve grown quite attached to words, the way they bend and shift inside my mind. The way I can spill them on a page, then fold them up origami-style, reveling how they change shape. And meaning. Words can mutate and blossom. They can multiply exponentially or shrivel within a second.

As I age, I’ve learned to be more careful with what I say, more discerning.

I share all of this to drive home one point.

Words brush against the sacred for me.

You can do a lot to me. Much has been done already. I rebound with fire in my soul.

But do not take away my words.

These words—they are how I understand this world. I am free in them. And I have every intention of staying that way.

“A word after a word after a word is power.”
― Margaret Atwood

*I’ll be back in a few weeks. Merry Christmas!

8 of the Best Ways to Step Inside the Shoes of Another

If you’ve visited here much you know I’m a huge proponent of empathy. I believe it transforms characters to become more authentic in novels, it draws people closer together, diminishes the fierce intensity to judge, and provides countless opportunities for us to grow.

Whether we’re trying to better understand our main characters or that family member who keeps confusing us into next week…

Here’s my I 8 Wednesday list of ways to step inside someone else’s shoes:

Understand How She Communicates

Some are talkers. Some are writers. Some express freely. Some shy away. Some are passive aggressive. She has experienced life. She wants to share—how will she go about doing so?

Consider Her Past

Everyone has been hurt. And everyone’s hurt places tell a story about who they are today. Scars, emotional or physical can stand out like the equator when we’re trying to understand the map of one’s soul.

Share Her Dreams and Failures

She has hopes. She’s failed. Both have influenced the person she has become. Take a moment to imagine her dreaming…and failing. Is she inspired by People or National Geographic? Does she give up easily or dig in until her fingers bleed?

Which Relationships Does She Value Most & Which Does She Fear Most

What’s that saying that we become most like the five people we spend the most time with? Who does she surround herself with? Who terrifies her? Why?

From R.E.M. to Early When She Rises

Our thoughts are often freshest in the morning, most unscathed by the distractions of the day. Attempt to wake up in her skin, facing the day as she might. Is she wide-eyed, bounding from the bed full of exuberance or dragging herself to the coffee pot as she smashes sleep further into her eyes?

Work with Her

Does she like what she does? If not, does she have a hobby or something she pours herself into outside of work that fulfills her? Take on her hobby for one day.

Take Yourself out of the Equation

We’re all influenced by our own life experiences. Make a concerted effort to view the world as she might. Strip yourself of any preconceived judgment likely waiting to pounce. Does she handle her emotions and take on the world vastly different than you do?

What is She Hiding

So much of communication is unspoken. What do you suspect she hasn’t told anyone? Or only a trusted few? What does this secret say about her?

I believe empathy is one of the most effective antidotes to judgment. We all judge, it’s part of our wiring. But there is a way to salve the sting of our judgment—by cultivating a spirit of empathy.

When is the last time you felt compelled to become more empathic toward someone?

*photos by stock.XCHNG

 

Moving Thoughts Friday

Every Friday I’m going to ask a question. The questions I choose might be ambiguous on purpose. The goal is to have you answer the question according to your beliefs, where you’re at in life or a circumstance that might have recently impacted you. The only thing I ask is that you provide an explanation for why you answered the way you did.

It’s my hope to understand you better through this and also to gain a greater understanding of humanity and how people make decisions.

You meet up with a friend you haven’t seen in twenty years. As soon as you find her seated in the restaurant she slides you a note. It’s translated:

I’ve lost all recognition of the English language. But please, tell me about your life.

How would you respond?

*photos by stock.XCHNG

What’s Your Point?

We’re all trying to communicate something. My point (ha!) today is that is pays to figure out what mode or style of communication we use to convey messages to the world. Whether it’s tied to our personalities or methods that have been modeled most often to us, it’s likely we readily engage in a routine form of expression.

Leading me to the big question of the hour…what’s your point?

Ballpoint

Known to prefer writing to speaking, the ballpoint believes in the permanence of words—the value of expression on the page.

Point of Honor

Looking out for numero uno, this person tries to come off spit and polished, a Jack or Jill of all trades when it comes to well, just about everything.

Pointer

According to Webster’s, this breed is “characterized by its assumption of the classic stance…” translating to the one who chooses the safe thing to say, dancing around confrontation to express primarily what others want to hear. Classic.

Interpoint

The interpoint punctuates their every thought, making sure every notion is understood. They pause before moving on.

*pause*

Point Break

Seen the movie? A laid back, casual form of expression. Surf’s up, Keanu-style.

Point Guard

This individual directs or sets up conversation. They ask a lot of questions and love to experience the brilliant exchange of thoughts and ideas. Slam dunk.

Pinpoint or Knifepoint

What starts as a pin grows to a knife. Words, meant for power and effect, come out of the knifepoint like tiny shards of glass, morphing into pointed daggers. Wounding.

Point of View

The POV communicator is always assessing where others are coming from. Self-reflective, empathetic, and intuitive, this well-read (ha!) person immerses themselves in a deeper understanding of information exchange.

Needlepoint

Tease, tease with a little splash of sarcasm.

Match Point

Out to win the conversation, the match point seeks to one-up anyone who’ll humor them by tolerating their 24/7, all topics fair game, competitive nature.

Point of No Return

No filter. Let it all hang out. Diarrhea of the mouth. These terms are all too familiar to the Point of No Return communicator.

Endpoint

“Headlines only.” Only says what’s necessary. Must find solution. Means to AN END!

So…what’s your point?

*Thrilled to be guest posting over at Heather Day Gilbert’s today. Swing by to read about the ABCs of Creating an Engaging Blog

 **photo by stockXCHNG

***sick child at home today. hoping to get around to blogs, but I might be on nurse duty all day...

Eight Things to Consider When Seeking to Understand

If you’ve been talking as long as I have, then you know that it isn’t always easy. Disputes can readily erupt from a misguided interpretation of a hippo yawn. Words have the ability to bend and mutate so they come out sounding entirely different than the speaking party intended.

So what’s a human to do? As always, think before we speak. And we’re wise to think about the following eight considerations when engaging in conversation and truly seeking to understand.

What are they trying to communicate?
Words might be misfiring, emotions shooting off like flares, and facial expressions could very well pass for a remarkable imitation of Jim Carey in all his impersonating glory, but it helps to ask ourselves what could possibly be the heart of the message the other party is communicating. (Wow, that was a mother long sentence.)

What is going on in their life that might affect the way their conversing?
Period anyone? Ever feel like elephants were raining on your head. All. Day. Long. And then you’re thrown into a necessary, but hypersensitive convo with oh, say your spouse. You’re already so on edge it would take less than the brush of a feather to make you crumble like Lot’s wife. Raining elephant days are something to consider when diving into the deep stuff.

What are they not saying and does it matter?
Body language. Long silences. Completely distracted by a football game. I’ve learned the hard way not to bring up a sensitive topic when there are less than four minutes remaining. Of any game at any time during any season.

Are they arguing because they feel put on the defensive?
We demonstrate discretion and introspection when we take a step back from the heat to evaluate if the manner in which we presented our thoughts potentially put the other party on the front burner.

Is this a sensitive topic for them?
We might not have a particular opinion about Tim Tebow. Hypothetically, we might not have understood the firestorm surrounding who to us has always been “just a football player”. Issues have layers. If we happen to know that bringing up the rotting green pepper incident strikes a chord with such and such, we might want to couch our words with extra care.

How many times have you discussed this topic?
Is it getting old as a rotting green pepper? Have you talked the bad boy to death? Humans can only tolerate merry-go-round topics so much. We need to feel like we’re getting somewhere, like there’s hope and a potential solution or resolve. You know what they say about the definition of insanity? So if the issue must surface, I say bring it up Loch Ness monster style and do it with a song and dance. In other words, try something new.

Take assumption out of the equation.
Resist assuming what every little eye roll might mean. Maybe there really is one fat dangling wooden plank in their eye (ha!) or perhaps there’s a lightshow of falling stars up to the left. It’s worth it to remind ourselves to assume nothing. Because you know what assuming does to U and Me.

Be specific.

Ask for what you want. As much as we like to pretend we are, none of us are adept mind readers. As Johnny (date every woman in Hollywood) Mayer would say, “Say what you need to say.”

Any other things to consider whilst in the midst of a tête-à-tête (oh so fun to write)?

*photo = me modeling this behavior with my sister’s dog, Cael. :D