My Vow to Other Women

I’ve said a lot of things off the cuff through the years. The older I get, the more I want to weigh my words, to consider the how important something is—how valuable—before it leaves my tongue.

There is one thing I can’t stand being said to me. And believe it or not, I hear it a lot.

I bet you’ve heard it, too.

“You look tired.”

Major pet peeve. Why? Because it doesn’t take a genius or a clairvoyant to know I am tired. Most of us are tired and it doesn’t always have to do with lack of sleep. Sometimes it’s a sign we’ve sacrificed, we’ve cared deeply, and we’ve loved until we feel wrung out.

I’m learning to take better care of myself. This seems to be something I have to remind myself to work on. My natural inclination is to pour it all out for my family, but then I find myself crippled with exhaustion, depleted, and not all that useful to anyone.

When I see you and I catch you mid-yawn, or your posture is stooped, or your eyes are unscored with dark shadows, I won’t speak the obvious. Instead, I’ll elect to ask how things are going, how I might help, or I may figure out a way to connect and empathize with you.

I won’t tell you that you look tired.

Because we’re both feeling it. Really, we all are. It just shows up more on some of us.

I Went to My Own Funeral Last Night

This isn’t a riddle. I’m fully alive and last night I had the overwhelming pleasure of being around some of the dearest people I’ve met in the past nine years. I sat quietly as they stood and shared into the microphone some of the most loving things anyone has ever said about me.

See, I’m leaving. Moving van set to arrive soon. I heard many of these rock star women say how much they’ll miss me. I wish I had a profound way to communicate, a larger-than-word way, more-tender-than-hug way to speak into these women that they’ve changed my life. They helped me to believe in myself as a writer, a friend, and a loving human being. They embraced me at my quirkiest and hung on through the years.

I’m scared as I’m about to embark on a new adventure with my family. I’m also excited.

And I can’t think of a better crowd to sort through this tumble of feelings with than the one I was graced by last night.

Goodbyes are hard. But they also remind us of what we value and all that has rooted deeply inside.

So now you know, I wasn’t actually at my funeral. But I experienced a rare and unparalleled glimpse of the sort of impact I’ve had on others for the past decade.

Like I said, they’ve changed me.

“There is no happiness like that of being loved by your fellow creatures, and feeling that your presence is an addition to their comfort.” ― Charlotte Brontë

“We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over.” ― Ray Bradbury

*Will be taking a brief blogging hiatus due to big life changes. Will return May 1^st. You can count on it.

Cheers to Invaluable Author Friends

The publishing industry is madness. The highs and lows. Struggles with self-doubt. Elation after completing a project or receiving an offer. Talk about a wild world. Embarking upon a writing career means you’re bound to encounter sky high victories and Grand Canyon moments of discouragement. The publishing industry is madness, but it’s a madness I fully embrace.

This said, there are few things that I’ve found to be as motivating and bolstering as my author friends. They get the journey. I’ve been blessed with some of the most genuine, thoughtful, and encouraging author friends out there.

This post is for you—a thank you. Because I don’t forget. You’ve left a lasting impression on me. You’ve helped me to stay the course.

Cheers to you!

Now, back to my WIP.

This Is 40

Over the weekend I had the rare opportunity to gather with friends to celebrate my fortieth birthday. It was a low-drama, rock-out, memorable night. I realize I’m in the midst of promoting my most recent work, The Short & Sincere Life of Ellory James and I do hope you’ll check it out. But I wanted to take a brief break from promoting in order to express gratitude for the people in my life who’ve encouraged me, inspired me, and allowed me to be fully who I am (which trust me can be scary sometimes...on all levels).

Your friendship, your love matters to me. It changes me.

Thank you.

“She is a friend of my mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order.”

~ Toni Morrison, Beloved

Learning from Fellow Writers

  

I have quite a week lined up. Yesterday I spent a good chunk of my day interacting at a virtual launch party for Kathryn Craft’s The Art of Falling. I found the experience exhilarating and incredibly moving at times. Therese Walsh (founder of the informative writing website, Writer Unboxed) hosted an hour to share about her novel releasing in March, The Moon Sisters. (I have a special interest in this work because one of the sisters is a synesthete. I had a blast creating Oriana with synesthesia in my debut novella, The Disappearing Key.) I’m thankful I invested the hours. Tomorrow, I’m attending a reading by Heather Webb, who recently released her debut, Becoming Josephine.

It doesn’t surprise me how much I’m learning in these exchanges. One of my favorite things about writers is how candid they are. There’s not a lot of putting on airs or pretending the journey has been insanely easy. In fact, it’s comforting to discover how we all face obstacles and how for many authors it takes years from first sentence to publication day.

If you’ve visited here much, you’re likely aware of my passion for learning. I’m constantly craving to learn more. Today I wanted to give a shout out to the fellow writers who’ve been generous with their time and who’ve passed on invaluable insight along the way. Thanks for your humility, your grace, your tenacity, and your shared gift. You make the road, while pursuing this vocation, a little less lonely. You give me hope.

Who has inspired you recently?

8 Ways to Evict Negativity Before It Evicts You

Every year we have critters die behind our walls. Likely, it’s mice that are dearly departing, but a few years ago I swear a moose had gone to the great beyond behind our bookshelf. This is morbid and this is disgusting. I understand, but it helps me make a point.

We all have putrid thoughts we allow to fester and run rampant in our brains for far too long.

Sometimes they die off on their own. And sometimes they don’t.

Time to give you eight eviction methods that have worked best for me…

Don’t Ignore the Smell

Something is rotting in there. You know it, visitors to your home know it. How does the saying go, the definition of insanity is smelling dead mice over and over again expecting the smell to go away on its own? 

Yeah, I know, not how the saying goes. But it should be.

Be realistic when your thoughts are causing stinky behavior.

Neuter the Baby Mice Makers

Mice love to breed. So do certain thoughts (especially if they know you’ll entertain them). The second a scratch of discouragement carves against your conscience, something along the lines of ‘You don’t matter’ or ‘You’re a failure and no one cares about you’—scythe it where it hurts. Show no mercy. Don’t let more in its likeness scatter freely, thinking they own the place.

Go to the Source

Oftentimes, after we’ve been upfront with ourselves about the negativity we’ve given voice to, we do something strange. We walk around tapping and sniffing in other areas of the house, suspicious and distrustful that every room, every wall has been overrun. This is a waste of time. After some honest reflection, we assess the troubled area. Now time to get down and dirty and kick out the mouse crap.

Set it Free

Acknowledge the critters for the infinitesimal power they bestow. When they lose their power, it’s easier to send them packing.

Nothing but a Mind Trap

Set traps. Yep, a bit weird. But it works. Whether it’s scripture or positive affirmations that are sure to snap shut on the scavenging scoundrels, acquire resources to resort to when the horde, mischief, or nest (all words for groups of mice) comes scampering.

Notes of encouragement you’ve saved, uplifting verses, connecting with a trustworthy friend, journal writings where you’re reminded of God’s faithfulness = great resources

Don’t Turn a Mouse into a Moose

I’m your example for this. Go back and read the second sentence of this post for proof. I imagine and worry mice into moose all the time. When I do that it makes it harder to convince myself to evict them. Too cumbersome. Too many horns. Too heavy. If I crack open the wall though, I’m sure to find a teeny weenie Stuart Little peeping up at me. Fear can debilitate us. So can robust imaginations. Don’t imagine your negative thought from a mouse to a moose.

Study Architect Plans

Mice are desperate creatures. They move in so they won’t freeze to death and because you have what they need—food. But your head, your life was intended to be mouse-free. Refresh your memory from time to time why you’re here (to glorify God and answer His call for your life). See if mice make any sense in the structure He crafted. Be ruthless if a thought is causing the structure to be compromised.

Exterminate

Hardest one because cold critters come back. They’ve lived there before, they’ll find their way again.

But it can be done. You have to call on supernatural strength for this one. I know because I have. I used to be tortured by insecurities about my weight and numbers on the scale. Through prayer and God’s unending grace these insecurities were exterminated years ago. I’ve blocked all entrances for the mice to repopulate. So long suckers!

I jest. I play. But disparaging thoughts can be brutal. I speak from experience. The methods above have worked for me. I hope they’ll work for you.

Do you have any other suggestions how to evict menacing thoughts?

*Disclaimer: No live mouse was hurt during the making of this post

**photo by stock.XCHNG

***Now might be a funny time to mention I’m reading Stuart Little with one of my daughters. ;-)

8 Ways to Organize Your Brain

In this social media age, when we’re bombarded with one distraction after another, it’s imperative to step back every so often to clean out the clutter we’ve accumulated like ravaging, time-sucking dust bunnies inside our brains.

Does your brain need an organization overhaul?

Stop Being So Polite to Distractions

Welcome, Facebook, here’s all my time. Do with it what you will.

Oh, it’s you, come on in TV show that will extinguish that spark trying desperately to ignite.

Hello, rambling neighbor, yes I’ll engage in forty meaningless minutes of non-conversation as I listen to your gossip about your mother’s uncle. Sure, why not.

Downsize the Worry Quadrant

“But what if,” you’ve been moved to the cerebral office with no windows, no computer, and minimal interaction with coworkers. Oh, and lights out all day. Saving energy.

Don’t Starve Creativity

Example of starving creativity: Glimmering inspirational idea that scurries to the corner whenever I open the door and light streams in full of hope and promise, no soup for you.

Take out the Trash

Negative self-talk, haunting lies from the past, discouraging phrases stuck between lobe one and lobe two—be gone!

Place Priority Items on the Highest Cranial Shelf

Assess what you value most and evaluate whether you’re dolling out enough time and resources to these top priorities. Make it so you can see them at all times—visual reminder.

Goal-Set a Cerebral Table

Establish attainable, focused tasks you’d like to accomplish. Write them in chalk on the canvas of your noggin’. Check in from time to time to evaluate if your centerpiece is the focal point of all you’ve set on the table.

Hang an Encouraging Sign (a mantra if you will) on the Strongest Sensory Point

We all need regular reminders of what’s important. If your reminder is imprinted on an impressionable sensory receptor—imagine the possibilities!

Trade Multi-tasked Mindjumper Mentality for Fully Focused Engaged Experiencer

One of my favorite lines from Dead Poets Society is when Robin Williams quotes Thoreau with wanting to “suck the marrow out of life.” We can do this, we can suck the marrow out of life or we can sip, sip, sip never ingesting the deep goodness that only comes from full engagement. Make your brain freeze, people!

Can you think of any other methods of brain organization at its best?

*photo by stock.XCHNG

8 Seeds of Encouragement (For Fellow Desert Dwellers)

Ever have a season stretch on for what seems like forever? I have. Whether you’re dealing with infertility, a hard-to-discipline child, an unfulfilling job, mixed feelings about an estrangement, a rocky marriage, chronic pain, illness, or any other specific season that feels like the desert I aim to encourage you today.

In fact, I’m kinda wondering if that’s why my computer crashed yesterday. The 8 seeds of encouragement I’m about to share are full of hope, courage, and motivation. And not everyone wants you to feel encouraged.

But I do. And I was at church on Sunday. So I’m going to share my own take on what our pastor shared with us. We’re working through Exodus. You know, Moses, the mumble grumbles, and the manna. Ultimately, the question seeping out of that book in the Bible is this: Are you going to trust God, turn to Him with faith, and follow His instruction. (Spoiler alert…if not, He loves you anyway.)

8 Seeds of Encouragement for Fellow Desert Dwellers:

God Is Humbling You

Deuteronomy 8:3 states “God humbled you and let you hunger.” Now I bet you’re thinking where’s the encouragement in that. The Bible is saturated with verses detailing how God humbles those he loves. He blesses the humble, lifts them up. It was the humble Jesus hung around most.

You Have an Owner’s Manual

Sometimes I don’t feel like reading the Bible. Sometimes I don’t feel like exercising or eating veggies either, but I can honestly say I’ve never regretted doing any of the above. They’ve nourished me. God’s word is living and active. It bleeds into us, our outlook on life, our perception more than we could ever know.

You Are Not Alone

This is the greatest and most convincing lie we all believe at one time or another. It’s seductive. But it’s false. Yes, no one will ever know exactly what it’s like to walk in our sand-caked sandals, but Jesus promises that He will not leave us nor forsake us. And He’s pretty cool about connecting us with others who’ve gone through similar circumstances. But we need to keep our hearts and eyes open.

Oh Manna

God provided food for the desert dwellers in Exodus. Every morning. Fresh food. Sustenance. What they needed. He does the same for us. Most of the time all is takes is for us to shift our focus, to look down at our hands and feet in grateful recognition of all He’s provided.

Can You Handle It? Why Yes, You Can

We’re told He won’t give us anything beyond what we can handle. I’ve been known to ask God to throw me a bone. There are times I feel borderline crushed. I’ve grown from every single one of those times. And I never got the bone, but maybe a phone call or a hearty laugh or something small but significant to help get me through.

Complaint Meter

Time in the desert can do wonders to teach us how much we complain. Moses had to hear his people repeatedly grumble up a storm. If we pay attention, we’re able to detect how mumbly-grumbly we’ve gotten. Then we can DO something about it.

Testing 123

A test, it’s only a test. Looking at a trying circumstance this way can alleviate the disparity and hopelessness of it all. It gives instant perspective.

Ability to Distinguish Wants from Needs

I’m a crazy shopper. I’ll often whisper this question under my breath (but still out loud so other shoppers give me that “she’s batty” look). Talking to anyone? “Do I want this or need it?”

Here is one more gift that comes from desert time. We’re able to become clear about what we need in life versus what we want.

So whether it’s been 40 minutes, 40 days, or 40 years you’ve been wandering in the desert, be encouraged. Refiner’s fire. You’ll come out of this. You’ll shine.

And just like in a marathon, I’ll be waiting to encourage you on until the end. Oh Manna!

*photo by stock.XCHNG

The 8 Most Influential Lessons Motherhood Has Taught Me So Far

Go with the Flow

The moment I begin to grow comfortable with a specific routine, something up and lunges the game plan with the strength of an Olympic discus thrower, therefore teaching me to be more amenable to going with the flow. Might just be on my gravestone someday.

Wendy Paine Miller, the mama who knew how to go with the flow.

Judge Not

At my core I believe most moms truly are doing the best they can with what they’ve been given. I keep this in mind when I’m tempted to judge, then I remember all the times I’ve made whopping awful decisions and have jacked up miserably. It does wonders for infusing me with clarity. I need not judge.

Paging Nurse Paine

I’ve spent the last few nights on call. Sleepless. Rubbing a back hunched over the toilet. Changing sheets. Doing laundry. Caring for my daughter. Caring less what I looked like at preschool drop-off the days following. Conclusion: I’d make a mighty fine nurse. Conclusion #2: I greatly respect moms with the burden of tending to terminally ill children or children dealing with chronic pain. Such respect!

Assess What Matters

I’ve tackled this some with you before. Numbers will come and go, rise and fall. Friendships will find seasons. There will be times demanding flight from us, and other times calling for fight. But no matter what, family remains. I choose to pour into my girls now when they still live in my home, while I can still greet them with a smile in the morning and bedtime kiss at night. I embrace what matters. The lives that matter.

Count My One Thousand Gifts

Voskamp is doing something amazing with her book, isn't she? She's prompting people to pay attention again—to slow down. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve recollected the wisdom in Voskamp’s book while washing dishes, folding laundry (alright, so that doesn’t happen near as much as it should), and while cutting vegetables for dinner. I’m savoring these days because they’ll pass. My children will grow. And I wish to remember them now and give abundantly now.

Sacrifice & Humility

I lost sleep the past few nights. That’s nothing. Try losing pride, losing face, losing your cool, and losing your mind. Pretty sure I manage to do all of those on a daily basis. I’m okay with apologizing to my five-year-old. I like what it teaches me. I like learning from my kids and I hope I’m passing on powerful messages to them as I take on this wild beast called motherhood. Another one for my gravestone:

Wendy Paine Miller—never too old to learn.

Value of Bonding with & Encouraging Other Moms

I adore other moms. My relationships with women in the same diaper changing, naughty step disciplining, breast milk-stained T-shirt wearing boat have been invaluable. I’ll never be able to adequately express my gratitude for what I’ve garnered from other moms on this journey. I’m deeply grateful for the wisdom and even simple encouragement some have given me during times I needed it most.

Let Go

Hardest one, but I’m working on it. Probably can’t write this one on my gravestone yet. But that’s because I’m not dead yet. Life in progress. Motherhood in progress.

What is one of the most influential lessons parenthood has taught you so far? If you’re not a parent, what was a biggie you learned from your folks?