8 Tips to Help You Thrive through the Holidays

If you’re like me you want to do more than simply survive the holidays. You want to make special

memories and meet the New Year with energy and zeal for life. Most of us know, however, the holidays can suck the life out of us if we’re not mindful and intentional.

I’m offering a few tips that have helped me thrive through this particular busy season in the past. Maybe they’ll help you too.

Identify Your Safe People

Ah. The splendor of family together. Great Uncle Ben with his inappropriate jokes. Or Cousin Sandra who spends the entire Thanksgiving meal talking about how poorly turkeys are treated. Then, of course there are the real doozies. Dad with his hypercritical opinion about your new boyfriend or your sister-in-law with her passive aggressive way of telling you she hates you (eh-hem, your haircut). Ah . . . family. Gotta love ‘em. That may be so, it really helps to know who (whether in the family circle or not) you can consider your “safe” people. Friends or that super close sister you can call up or huddle together with as they remind us we can do this, only twenty-four more hours. Safe people are the ones you trust. They uplift and encourage. You don’t feel like you have to walk on eggshells around them or cringe whenever they open their mouths.

Once you figure out who at least one safe person is in your life, thank them, then let them know you might be reaching out over the holidays.

Move Your Body

Nothing simmers my stress level quite like a long walk (even in the cold). Get outside. Participate in a spontaneous dance party. Get your lungs pumping and your arms flailing. Check out how Cousin Sandra does the whip and ney ney.

How You Treat Others Stays with Them Longer than the Gifts You Give

The Fitbit will break. Those gorgeous dishes you’ve admired for months will all be chipped in three years. The snow blower will be given to a neighbor when you learn you’re moving to Dallas. Gifts are fun to give and get, but no gift will ever compare to consistent and selfless love. Memories of kindness live on forever.

Lower Your Expectations

Whenever I say this I realize it sounds pessimistic. My intention is coming from the exact opposite place. When we go into a situation expecting everything to go perfectly our hope is quickly dashed at the slightest insult or disappointment. However, if we go in knowing there will be moments of awkwardness and pangs of discomfort, we may find we’re pleasantly surprised at the end of the day.

Let Go Quickly

Piggybacking off the last point, those insults and disappointments are likely to come. We’re all flawed humans with a lot on our plates and even more on our minds. We come in to family settings with fears, and secrets, jealousies, and a lot of history dragged behind us in sacks far bigger than Santa’s pack. This is true for all of us. The more we encounter one another with this sense of understanding and grace, the quicker we might be able to let the little things go.

Brainstorm Non-Explosive Topics

I dare you look up after the Thanksgiving prayer and ask everyone who they voted for. Or you could light an explosive in the middle of the table if that’s easier. Be mindful that certain topics are bound to set certain individuals off. Remember those Santa packs of fear and secrets we all dragged in? Think about who you’re with and what’s likely to slit a huge tear down the fabric of those packs. You shouldn’t feel like you need to steer clear of real conversation, only consider refraining from topics that really should come with warning labels.

Shorten Your To-Do List

Some years I’ve sent Christmas cards. Others I haven’t. No apologies or explanations. I get to what I get to. I assume the same for others and try not to get offended easily. We’re all slammed. Fight stress by deciding right now that you’ll cut three or four things off your usual to-do list. You’ll notice it won’t kill anyone and it may even save you a little of your sanity in the process.

Take Time Alone to Reflect

I’m about to tell you something that might shock you. I’m an introvert. Yep, it’s true. I’m also a learned-extrovert. But my real energy and restoration comes from time alone, moments spent in reflection, writing at my computer, and prayer. This is how I come back to myself when I’m peopled out. The holidays are a prime time to get peopled out fast. Safeguard your propensity to stress by stealing a few minutes away by yourself. To think. To plan. To remind yourself there are only twenty-four hours left with these crazy people. ;-) Who knows . . . they might be hiding out in the bathroom saying the exact same thing.

Happy Thanksgiving!

6 Things Writing Has Taught Me about Life

I always find it a little crazy when life imitates my art. An event will play out and I’ll think, Hey, I wrote about that years ago.

Know what else is crazy in the coolest of ways? How I’ve learned things in my career as a writer that have spilled valuable insights over into the rest of my life.

Here are just a few…

Edit as I go

I used to be a yeller. Yep, catch me in the midst of a fight fifteen years ago and I had no qualms about slinging shouts. Not anymore. I’ve grown to see how ineffective yelling is. And as with writing and understanding the importance of editing, I like how I’m able to change as I grow.

Help with letting go

I have three girls. They started out as babies. Sort of how it works, doesn’t it? But they’re rapidly aging. And there’s nothing I can do to slow down the process.

When I publish a book I feel like I hand the story baton to my readers. Or as though I send the novel off like pushing a toy boat on a windy day across rippling waters. I let go.

I’ve tapped into this same mindset at certain moments as a parent. Thanks writing. I owe you for your help with this one.

Remaining open to learning & change

In case you’ve been asleep for the past ten years, a lot has changed in the publishing industry. Independent publishing no longer has the reek of Limburger cheese. In fact, it’s widely respected when done with great consideration, knowledge, and planning.

Newsflash: I’m not always going to be right as a parent. Truth be told, I get it wrong about 78% of the time. You’re thinking why on earth would I share this, aren’t you? Well, I’ll tell you why. Because I’m passionate about learning, about paying attention, and about riding the waves as a mom and member of society. I want to make a great impact with the little time I have here. In order to do that, I must be receptive to what works. And what doesn’t.

Managing expectations

I used to think every holiday had to materialize like a Normal Rockwell painting. In other words I wanted the perfect life. Somewhere along the way I realized that’s a farce. (My kids would laugh if I read that word out loud. Oh, language.) Things get messy. Feelings get hurt. Clothes live on my bedroom floor. Instead of promising myself every morning I’ll clean the entire house, tackle 50 pages of my novel, and write Congress letters about everything that’s troubling me, I get real.

As a writer I know how much time it takes to build an audience—to find my peeps. I’ve learned how to apply this throughout the rest of my life, mindful not to set myself up for disappointment unnecessarily.

Be brave & Take risks

Sneaking two in one, eh? Why yes, yes I am. Takes a certain kind of bravery to do that. Anyway, rejection is the Mr. Miyagi of publishing. It keeps you humble, and challenges your degree of determination. After I endure a humbling event related to my writing, I have a tendency to wax on, then wax off. I jump back up with hands raised, ready to fight.

I can’t take credit for why I’m so stubbornly committed. Part of my wiring perhaps.

Love when that wiring is connected to other areas of passion in my life like my marriage, and parenting.

Spread the love

I used to think writing had to be a solitary act. Well, in a way it is. But in so many beautiful ways it’s fanned out for me. I’m in touch with hundreds of other writers who are devoted to encouraging one another. I meet these writers at conferences and online and I can’t tell you how deep my gratitude goes for them.

Contrasting what I thought my path would be as a writer hunkered in, startled by sounds, and on the edge of agoraphobia to instead readily enjoying the many blessings of connecting with fellow writers, reminds me to express gratitude in every area of my life. I’m thankful for my friends who are vastly different than me. I’m challenged to exude love even when it’s difficult because so very much love has been given to me.

There you have it. Six ways being a writer has seeped into my non-writing life.
Do you feel the overflow of your career spilling into who you are outside of work?

 

Facing the Inevitable Hard Decision

There are times in life when we all have to make difficult decisions. They can feel like someone cracking open our chest with a crowbar or these moments can feel more subtle, like scratching off a scab.

No matter how it feels, I happen to believe it matters how we take on times of decision.

Here are a few things that I’ve gleaned from going through challenging times of resolution. . .

Confront the Situation Honestly

No use pretending conflict away. It’s not going anywhere. In fact, hear that? It’s your conscience knocking, telling you it’s time. I know it’s tempting to blow something off when you don’t want to deal with it. Or to sugarcoat and twist it to be something more innocuous than it really is. Take off the rose-colored glasses and face it for the ugly green monster it is.

Recognize Patterns

Pattern behavior can serve as a wonderful guide when you’re wondering whether or not you think someone will change. Can people change? I absolutely believe they can, but I also believe if they’re demonstrating similar behavior repeatedly, it’s time to pay attention. Which leads me to. . .

Be Realistic about Expectations

It’s helpful to take a good hard look at your role in the situation. Are you the one who needs to make some adjustments? Have you done anything to make the decision more challenging than it has to be? Let your emotions take over? Lacked empathy? Demonstrated apathy? It’s important to have realistic expectations of how things will play out after your decision is imparted.

Consult Trusted Mentors & Friends

It’s wise to receive valuable insight from people who’ve made smart choices in the past. Reach out. You might be surprised by what you learn. It also provides comfort and accountability, so you can be reminded that you’re not alone.

Take Care of Yourself in the Process

Stress can wreak havoc on the body. Think Space Invaders on your healthy cells. Be mindful of this. Get plenty of rest. Take walks. Breathe. I still appreciate the scene in My Best Friend’s Wedding when Julia Roberts is on the floor of the hotel, crushed, and the concierge bends down and tells her, “This too shall pass.” It’s a great thing to say to yourself during times like these.

Maintain Integrity

Because emotions are generally inflamed when you endure trials, it would be easy to whip up some pies like those found in the pages of The Help. Yep, you know what I’m referring to. But don’t. Don’t go pooping in your pies. Keep focused. Remember who you want to be in times like this. Cling to character and class no matter how hurt you feel. It’ll speak volumes.

Hope in the Future

Life’s pretty cool in that it keeps on going. You don’t enter a comatose state once you’ve followed through with your decision. You go on. Life goes on. So Obladi. Oblada . . . make it count.

Ever have to make a hard decision? What helped you in the process?

Are You Raising a Cookie Cutter Kid?

Not long ago while conversing with a friend, she admitted to feeling insecure about posting pictures

on her Facebook profile of her eldest holding his musical instrument.

If you know me at all you can probably predict I responded with a speedy, “Why?”

This friend shared how many of her friends only post sports team photos and action game shots of their boys. After listening to her I said, “But we’re not trying to raise cookie cutter kids, are we?”

So what if her oldest boy is into music? In fact, I think that’s more than a little awesome.

This topic reminds me of everything I love about New England homes. When we lived in Ohio it was easy to mistake your house for plenty of others on the block because most of the houses looked identical. Not so in New England. You drive down one street and you’re likely to find capes, colonials, bungalows, bump-outs, houses with cedar shakes, brick, vinyl…the list goes on.  I liked our home in Ohio but something about the home we live in has an added uniqueness, an “I’m yours” quality to it.

Our conversation also made me think of my room as a teenager. I’ll forever be grateful for the freedom my parents gave me to decorate my room to my own style.

Picture: Collages covering every wall with a few posters of adorable animals and one or two posters of River Phoenix and Johnny Depp for good measure. On my ceiling I’d hung any rose anyone in our family of four girls had ever been given. Looking back I can see how it was one creative piecemealed mishmash. But it was “me.” It wasn’t the manicured Laura Ashley décor that inhabited some of my friend's rooms. But I loved it.

I know my mom friend is agreement with me when it comes to the importance of allowing our children to discover who they are. And because I feel passionately about this I’m throwing out the following list as a reminder to all of us parents…

Five Ways to Raise Un-Cookie Cutter Children (raising our children free of the confines of the cookie cutter mentality)

Identity Roots

More and more I’m beginning to experience the invaluable benefits of teaching my girls who they are at their core—and how deeply they’re loved from the second they enter this world. Loved from me and their father, but more importantly from their heavenly father.

Strengths Stem

Encouraging your child to experiment with different activities helps them to discern what truly excites them. Uplift their strengths. Recognize them as such. Then appreciate and celebrate them.

Openness Blossom

Be open with your children about your own struggles with comparison and jealousy (age appropriate). One of my daughters in particular struggles with jealous feelings often and I can’t tell you how receptive she is to my coaching her through this when I risk sharing time in my life I’ve felt vulnerable to jealousy.

Growth

Remind yourself it’s not about you. I have an eleven-year-old. I’m being reminded of this regularly. ;-)

When to Water

We’re wise to adjust our expectations when it comes to what our kids will be interested in. Waterskiing might have been “your thing.” Your kids might run kicking and screaming anytime they go near water. Hey, there’s always the snow.

Do you ever struggle with feeling like you need to raise a cookie cutter child?

photos by stock.XCHNG

Publishing, Love It or List It, and Gratitude

Okay, so my family has watched enough episodes now for me to properly formulate an opinion. The couples on Love It or List It come across generally ungrateful. During the transformation of their home. When the renovations are complete, they can’t help but fawn over what Hilary has done or the stunning house David has found for them.

If you’re wondering what the heck I’m referring to I’ll give you the two second spiel. Couple debates whether to fix up home or sell it. In moves Hilary with her magical visionary thinking and hearty team to do wonders. In moves David, real estate agent extraordinaire to convince them to list by showing the couple spotless properties that curiously are often priced above their budget. They ultimately must choose whether they love the changes or they’ll list their house and move on to “greener” pastures.

Hint: Hilary is always slammed with some unexpected (and of course expensive) structural or plumbing problem.

Therein is the telling word—unexpected.

When Hilary broaches the couple midway through the process with the hiccups, they’re often rude and disgruntled, fast to lose trust in her vision. They become nicer to David, more open-minded on the next house hunt. The psychology is enchanting.

And every single time it comes down to expectations.

No one likes to be thrown a curveball. But our expectations say a lot about us.

I can get sidetracked by materialism with the best of them, but it might be fun to shed light on my first rental. I lived in the downstairs of a colonial. Beautiful hardwood floors. High ceilings. Now for my furniture: mattress on the floor, light on the floor, papasan, toaster oven-sized TV, stacks of books cropping up like anthills, and I’m having trouble remembering anything else. I lived this way until my boyfriend (now husband) took pity on me and began hauling in furniture his parents had given him. Here’s the thing…I was perfectly content that way.

My expectations and neediness (or lack thereof) shaped my outlook. I was full.

I try to remember this whenever I zap into “mine all mine” mode, whenever I start drooling over the next ___________. Sure, nice things are nice. They’re fun. But they won’t better us. A new house or even an improved house for that matter won’t add to who we are.

I made the connection the other day between Love It or List It and the publishing process. We’re constantly poised to feel like we need more. More validation, more readers, more reviews, more stars, more fans on Facebook, more than one book published, etc. We struggle to feel full. We fight to keep trusting when we’re thrown a curveball. Enchanting psychology.

Here’s where it’s at…We are wise to cling to a spirit of gratitude. Whether it’s our homes being gutted or our souls, we’re constantly given opportunities to rise to resiliency when we’re sideswiped with the unexpected. It’s all on loan. Temporary.

What reminds you to be grateful?

Now off to watch Property Brothers. ;-)

*I will say I have no idea how I’d react if a budgeted plan got majorly altered. What comes across as the couples acting ungrateful could be a natural response.

**photo by stock.XCHNG

The Mirage of Expectations

Remember when Bugs Bunny would pant along in some endless desert until suddenly he perked up and grew ecstatic about a body of water in the distance? You knew what was coming. And I knew. Can’t fool us, can you?

That bountiful oasis turned out to be nothing more than a kicked up sandstorm bathed in wretchedly hot rays of sun.

Poor Bugs.

Sometimes I feel like Bugs.

I get my mind (hear expectations) so fixed on something. I pant. I rub my hands in anticipation. I see it, sure as day. Sure as the sun in the sky. Sure as the sweat streaming down my face from all of my hard work. The water cometh.

Until it doesn’t.

Until somewhere along the journey, my mud-caked heels cracking, my throat parched as the coughing earth itself, it hits me. It was an illusion. A mind game. Merely a figment of my imagination.

Just as an actual mirage is a naturally occurring phenomenon, so too are our expectations. It’s natural to instill hope in something. It’s natural to dream. It’s okay to want. Where the sand stings our eyes is when we begin to count on it. When our hope slides down that slippery slope transforming into expectation or entitlement if you will.  Mirages become dangerous when we don’t have the full canteen of water to quench our thirst or the camel to carry us the rest of the miles.

Expectations appear precariously in our minds like mirages.

Yet I’m also inclined to think our expectations can have an upside. They have the ability to serve as excellent motivators. If we reach the place where we swore we saw a pool of water and there is none, we know to keep moving. We adjust our vision and focus on what’s real—what’s in front of us this moment. We have the opportunity to become resourceful and resilient.

Take this gold nugget from Wikipedia:  “A mirage is a real optical phenomenon which can be captured on camera, since light rays actually are refracted to form the false image at the observer's location. What the image appears to represent, however, is determined by the interpretive faculties of the human mind.”

What’s the takeaway? I believe our expectations, these mirages that rise out of nowhere, can teach us. They communicate volumes to us about what we value, what we were hoping for, and how much energy we’re willing to exert. Our mental mirages give us a glimpse of what very well may be…further down the path.

What is a mirage really? It’s bending light. A foretaste. A reason to continue hoping, but also to keep moving.

It’s only when we prematurely swallow our water supply, confident the light bending before us is about to fulfill our every need that we run into real trouble. We need to keep water on us at all times. We need to be mindful of the tricks our eyes are sensitive to believe. We need to not depend on the mirage to wipe away all of our needs.

I get it, Bugs. I’ve seen the bending light.

And I’m walking on…

Ever been on that desert path and have what you think you see down the path turn out to be a mental mirage of expectations? Have you seen the bending light?

*photo by stock.XCHNG