What Women Want—Deep, Loving Relationships

Women crave connection. I’m not springing freakish scientific revelations on you today. We know this. We’ve known it all along. We gravitate toward those we believe will love and accept us. We seek out friendships and relationships in which we’ll feel a trusted sense of belonging.

Seems like a no-brainer, right?

Then why are we so afraid to get real with one another?

If it’s depth we’re after, why does it seem like many of us take the zigzag approach?

Sure it takes effort. Yes, it will require us to forgive and ask forgiveness. And most certainly we’ll endure stale or awkward times when we’re unsure of next steps. We will get hurt.

But that’s part of the adventure. It’s also part of another word that seems to be disappearing in our culture—commitment.

Think of archeologists.

Excavating a site demands extreme patience, as the process has a tendency to proceed painfully slow. But dedicated archeologists persist. They get their hands dirty. And if they refuse to give up, they often end up with what they were hoping for.

Sometimes I enjoy entertaining thoughts about what this world would look like if all of us threw off our insecurities and consistently encouraged one another. I revisit scenes from popular book club selections like Snow Flower and the Secret Fan, The Help, The Red Tent, Angry Housewives Eating Bonbons, and The Secret Life of Bees and contemplate the rich relationships depicted in these novels, how bonds both strengthened and frayed through brokenness, misunderstandings, and periods of great loss.

I realize our desire for deep, loving relationships includes with our spouses and families, but regardless of our life stage, women are wired to engage with one another. It fascinates me how we instinctually create natural support networks. Book clubs, moms groups, and neighborhood game nights are just a few examples of how women band together. Psychological studies support that strong female bonds can improve memory, increase oxytocin levels, and help prevent depression.

When I asked you several weeks ago what women want it didn’t surprise me deep, loving relationships was a frequent response. Didn’t surprise me at all.

What never ceases to surprise and delight me is the depth and beauty I’ve experienced in my own friendships—how some women have embedded in my heart, becoming like sisters to me.

It takes risk. It takes commitment. It takes time.

But it gives in innumerable, courage-building ways.

“A laotong relationship is made by choice...when we first looked in each other's eyes in the palanquin I felt something special pass between us--like a spark to start a fire or a seed to grow rice. But a single spark is not enough to warm a room nor is a single seed enough to grow a fruitful crop. Deep love--true-heart love--must grow.” ~ Lisa See, Snow Flower and the Secret Fan

Why do you think it’s so difficult for women to get real with one another? Do you have a particular relationship you are thankful for today?

*photos by stock.XCHNG

 

What Women Want—Significance

Several weeks ago I asked you what women want. Security received the majority of votes. Next in line—significance.

Significance.

My confessed Holy Grail.

Flip it and you get the big lie. You know, the one that whispers at your weakest moments “You don’t matter.”

Pretty confident we’ve all heard that one a time or two.

The best way to fight off that whisper stab is to discern what realistically and truthfully attributes to our worth. By weeding out distractions and not allowing ourselves to be misled by validation holograms we position ourselves to better understand our place here.

What’s a validation hologram?

Anything that fools us into thinking our time on earth is all about us. Anything that fuels our sense of pride.

Anything. (Youch, I know I felt it too.)

Our natural inclination is to achieve significance by filling ourselves up—gorging on success, momentary highs, affirmation or popularity. However, acting inversely and counter intuitively by pouring out—serving, giving, guiding, leading courageously, and encouraging, we end up making boku deposits in our bank of significance.

These acts of love can never be taken back. Just as the opposite holds true.

Here’s a crazy thought: What if our words and actions trigger a butterfly effect through time? What if our investment in someone years ago still impacts that person in ways we’ll never know? What if the sacrificial kindness we bestowed upon a stranger back in 1985 inspired that young woman to incite incredible change in Africa? What if…

I’m thinking of Max Lucado’s memorable character Punchinello. I’m thinking of a children’s book about filling buckets and Bible verses. I’m thinking about all the simple messages that communicate what I’m trying to today—this path of life stuff I still wrestle with and care to explore further.

What reminds you of your significance here?

*Literary agent, Chip MacGregor shares some profound words about significance in this post

**photo by stock.XCHNG

What Women Want—Security

Dark alleys, leering stares, gossipy rumors, circled fat, salmonella poisoning, terrorist attacks, rapists, murderers, abusers, molesters, cultures that devalue women, risk of having Alzheimer’s, child getting Lyme disease, genocide, female mutilation, the sex trade, child getting West Nile virus, gangs, child developing Autism, mafia, house catching on fire, disease ravaging our bodies, kidnappers, exploited on social networking sites, Big Brother, germs, spiritual warfare, noises in the woods, getting lost…

This is an incomplete list of what we fear. Barely scratching the surface with those.

I took your comments from Friday’s post titled, “What DoWomen Want” and found the most prevalent answer kept focusing on security. Based on your input it became obvious—women want to feel safe.

Time for a little psychology 101. Did you know that on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs pyramid the need listed just above our basic physiological needs being met (hunger, sleep, etc.) is safety?

What threatens our safety as women—what weakens our ability to feel secure?

Besides the very real danger some men present, and even some women offenders, our greatest opposition when we’re fighting to feel safe is oftentimes our own fear.

Women are masterminds at worrying. Michael Hyatt wrote a thought-provoking post about how worry and imagination are like two sides of the same coin and he also highlights the profound differences between the two.

I wonder if some of us cry wolf in particular scenarios so habitually that we play out, in twisted strokes of misfortune, our own self-fulfilling prophesy. We imagine ourselves to death. There are proven statistics detailing how much damage stress can do to the body.

All this to say there’s no denying horrific events occur every second. The world can go dark in a flash. Our fears are grounded in glimpses of reality.

There’s a book every woman would benefit from reading called, The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. The book helps educate women about the difference between true fear and unwarranted fear. I’ve reflected on this book numerous times when I’ve faced potentially precarious situations.

Because I love advocating for women I’m wrapping up today’s post with a list of things that contribute to women feeling safe.

Knowledge

Statistics, resources, places to go for help, the unlikelihood of acquiring said disease or having our child kidnapped can diffuse the firestorm of worry that explodes in our minds. Understanding what we need to focus on helps us let go of all of the extraneous weight on our shoulders.

Strength in Numbers

Women, we are such a phenomenal and valuable resource for one another. We’d benefit beyond belief by uplifting and encouraging one another in lieu of playing competitive, jealousy-based games.

Perspective

Every so often repeat these two words: Reality check. One of the best ways to face down our fears is to gain a sense of perspective.

Honesty

One of hardest, but most important ones. Truth really does set us free. You are not alone. And you need not stay stuck.

Empowerment

Martial arts, yoga, kickboxing classes, schooling, learning to read, speaking out on behalf of women, telling the truth, writing stories  communicating issues and themes important to women, volunteering, giving, giving, giving.

Hope & Faith

This one goes deep for me. My way of viewing the world changed drastically when I understood for the first time this is not my home. And as hope flaps its wings inside me I embrace and live in the truth that nothing can stop me. Including fear.

What makes you feel secure? Insecure? Are you able to turn worry into creative and positive visualizing?

*photo by stock.XCHNG