What Women Want—Deep, Loving Relationships

Women crave connection. I’m not springing freakish scientific revelations on you today. We know this. We’ve known it all along. We gravitate toward those we believe will love and accept us. We seek out friendships and relationships in which we’ll feel a trusted sense of belonging.

Seems like a no-brainer, right?

Then why are we so afraid to get real with one another?

If it’s depth we’re after, why does it seem like many of us take the zigzag approach?

Sure it takes effort. Yes, it will require us to forgive and ask forgiveness. And most certainly we’ll endure stale or awkward times when we’re unsure of next steps. We will get hurt.

But that’s part of the adventure. It’s also part of another word that seems to be disappearing in our culture—commitment.

Think of archeologists.

Excavating a site demands extreme patience, as the process has a tendency to proceed painfully slow. But dedicated archeologists persist. They get their hands dirty. And if they refuse to give up, they often end up with what they were hoping for.

Sometimes I enjoy entertaining thoughts about what this world would look like if all of us threw off our insecurities and consistently encouraged one another. I revisit scenes from popular book club selections like Snow Flower and the Secret Fan, The Help, The Red Tent, Angry Housewives Eating Bonbons, and The Secret Life of Bees and contemplate the rich relationships depicted in these novels, how bonds both strengthened and frayed through brokenness, misunderstandings, and periods of great loss.

I realize our desire for deep, loving relationships includes with our spouses and families, but regardless of our life stage, women are wired to engage with one another. It fascinates me how we instinctually create natural support networks. Book clubs, moms groups, and neighborhood game nights are just a few examples of how women band together. Psychological studies support that strong female bonds can improve memory, increase oxytocin levels, and help prevent depression.

When I asked you several weeks ago what women want it didn’t surprise me deep, loving relationships was a frequent response. Didn’t surprise me at all.

What never ceases to surprise and delight me is the depth and beauty I’ve experienced in my own friendships—how some women have embedded in my heart, becoming like sisters to me.

It takes risk. It takes commitment. It takes time.

But it gives in innumerable, courage-building ways.

“A laotong relationship is made by choice...when we first looked in each other's eyes in the palanquin I felt something special pass between us--like a spark to start a fire or a seed to grow rice. But a single spark is not enough to warm a room nor is a single seed enough to grow a fruitful crop. Deep love--true-heart love--must grow.” ~ Lisa See, Snow Flower and the Secret Fan

Why do you think it’s so difficult for women to get real with one another? Do you have a particular relationship you are thankful for today?

*photos by stock.XCHNG