Wednesday, March 28, 2012

8 Things My Dog Would Say if She Could

We taught our dog to talk. She can say I love you and out, though the two often get confused. We sometimes think she’s expressing her affection for us when she really just needs to hit the grass.

This got me thinking. What would our beloved canine say if she really could talk? Here are my thoughts on this I 8 Wednesday:

  • I like how my mom (she calls herself that, but I’m no fool. I don’t believe I grew in her belly like those other three non-hairy ones) nestles next to me when she’s sad. Yum…salty tears.
  • I’ve worked hard to master what they call “a cute puppy dog face” when I’m drooling, and dying to have a little nibble of what they’re eating. Mom caves easily. The non-hairy ones seem indifferent and usually let me take a few licks. Dad, he’s the hardest one. Gotta work on my face more.
  • My family feels bad for me when I get squirted by a skunk. Sheesh, it’s happened enough times. What they don’t know is I’m the one who wins. They’ve never seen the skunk after the fiasco, have they?
  • Mom must really enjoy picking up my poop. She saves it all for one day toward the end of the winter and spends over an hour scooping it up in the backyard (aka: my kingdom).
  • Yes, I eat my own fur after they brush it off of me (if I can get to it in time). What they don’t know is every time I eat it it goes into my stomach and finds a way to grow on my skin again. So the brushing thing—it’s really a futile act. Wonder when they’ll wake up and smell the truth? Humans!
  • The vet = public enemy #1. Cats in our neighborhood are spies for the vet. I can’t figure out what side the mail carrier is on. But I’m beginning to understand those pesky squirrels in the backyard (my kingdom) aren’t just gathering nuts. I think they’re transferring messages to the cats to take to public enemy #1.
  • Yeah, so, I walked straight up to the police station where the animal control guy parks his truck? I wanted to see what it was like on the inside. Mom’s a writer. She gets this. All in the name of research, right Mom?
  • I’ve been all around the country, but I’d have to say the coolest place my parents took me (other than a park in South Dakota where my parents had to chuck graham crackers out of the car…dropping some inside the car…in order to get past the enormous donkeys) was Mount Rushmore. Loved seeing those big rock heads. A little afraid they’d tumble down on us, but I tend to pick up on Mom and Dad’s anxiety and they didn’t act near as scared as when they do when they detect the first whiff of skunk.

What would your pet say if they could talk?

*Just ignore the dopey looking picture of me. Pay attention to the cooler one.


  1. These were great! My dog would say, "Thanks a lot, Santa. Yah did a real bang up job." Sarcasm dripping in the form of doggy drool.

    Happy Wednesday, lady!

  2. As a dog-lover, I totally loved this post.

    My dog would say, "Could you please tell this kid to give me a little bit of space?"

    Brogan is constantly crawling all over Bubba and Bubba just lays there and takes it.

  3. Ha! Ha!! Love this, Wendy! "All in the name of research, right Mom?" Too funny!

    My dog would say, "I will vanquish the mail truck for you, my princess. I will destroy it!!" The dog worships me. And protects me. She's 9 pounds of crazy!

  4. This is awesome, Wendy. My dog is still a puppy--a 55-pound puppy--and so most of the time, I have no idea what's she thinking. Something like "I...can't...sit...still...even...though...Mom...won' Ahhhhh!!!" (Said with tail and entire hind end wagging furiously.)

    Yep, she's a spaz. But she's learning.

  5. I don't want to know what my cat is thinking! He is such a stinker, I'm afraid it wouldn't be pleasant! I want to know who brushes your dog!

  6. Meow. I mean--You think we're spies for the Vet, but we're so not. Purr. We're spies for the skunks!


    -Gbury Queen of the Cats
    (aka Joanne's feline)

    P.S. Cats rule.

  7. Beautiful dog! I can relate with the hair issue. I have a husky and the hair never ends! Your post made me smile this morning...

  8. Ha! Such a cute dog. All my two labs would say is, "Digging a hole, digging a hold, give me some food, digging a hole, digging a hole."

    My cat would say, "When are these three commoners going to get out of my castle?"

  9. Such a fun post, Wendy, although bittersweet, since we recently had to let go of our lab, Midas.
    If he were still around I hope he would say, "I had a great time with y'all, especially when it was time to vacuum the house & you took time to vacuum me." (Yeah, crazy dog.)
    And Twister, the dachshund, is probably wondering where Midas is -- but I'm so not going there. So, she'd probably say, "I am a lot bigger mentally then I am physically."

  10. Oh no! Your poor dog gets sprayed by a skunk!!
    Cute post. :-)

  11. Hehe-larious. So, I'm pretty sure my parents'/sister's pet, a "morkie" named Rocky, would ask why in the world his favorite person, Melissa, doesn't come home more often. :)

  12. Oh, I have a cat and she'd say, Pet me some more!

  13. I have a cat, and I think she would say (after our vacation to Florida)

    NEVER leave me again! Never!

  14. My very spoiled outdoor cats would say, "If we can only kill off the allergic man of the house, we could convince his wife to make us indoor Queens!"

  15. I only have a fish and I'm pretty sure they'd want their water changed more often.

  16. Hahaha...Your dog is sooo adorable!

    My dog's conversation would go like this -

    Pickles would say, "Please pass me the Gas X." Greyhounds are infamous for their silent but deadly, eye brow burning, room clearing bombs.

    Fly (my smart border collie with the gas mask on) would hand her the Gas X or Beano, and say, "Here."

  17. Haha! So cute! Your dog actually looks like she's smiling. :)

  18. This made me laugh Wendy! Your dog looks like a big fluffy cloud! My kids would be all over her!! :)

    We aren't pet people. Zero pets in our lives right now. But one time we gave in to the kids' whining for a pet and brought home a goldfish. I'm afraid that thing would say, "Murderer!!". Yes, I flushed him when I got tired of cleaning the bowl. All drains lead to the ocean, right? ;)

  19. I enjoyed hearing what your dog would have to say. Very clever, Wendy.

    Our two cats "talk" all the time. Yeah, I provide the voices, each distinct and kinda goofy. I started putting words in our dearly departed cat's mouth when our daughter was young. Snuggs got her to do things I couldn't, to share things she was reluctant to tell me, and helped her learn to live life lighthearted.

    Our gal is here for her spring break from college. She's laying on the couch beside me while her cat, Sandy, is lounging on the back of my armchair, and she's carrying a conversation with him as I type this comment. No one in our family thinks it's weird. After all, I'm a writer who's always voicing my characters. :-)

  20. Oh, I love you for saving up the poops until the end of the winter, then scooping them at once. That's how I do dishes--let them sit all week, then pick a day when I know my DH will be home, and sweetly say, "honey, do you have time to do dishes today?"

    My cats probably laugh behind my back every day. I'm such a pushover for a furry face.

  21. Too funny. Our only pet is a fish who has a view of the TV, so it would probably say, "What's with all the cartoons?"

  22. LOL! Our bunnies would probably say they're bored hanging out in their cage all day and keep the raw veggies coming.

  23. Jessica, Doggy drool sarcasm...excellent!

    Katie, My girls tried to ride the dog like a horse for years. Love those memories!

    Jill, Love the 9lbs of crazy. And your doggie's mindset. Classic!

    Lindsay, Truth? Sometimes I feel exactly like your dog. :D

    Jan, Thanks for those blessings! And confession...that's about the most brushed I've ever seen her, in those pictures. Samoyeds are cool in that their fur turns white b/c of the oils in it. She can be playing in the dirt and two hours later the white is back (w/out any help from us). Not to even mention how much fun it is to pretend the fur we've brushed, when we do get around to grooming her, is a little pup...anyhoo.

    Joanne, LOVE this! Is this like my grandma and your grandma sitting by the fire? ;)

    Andee, Thanks for swinging by. Seriously. We have clumps of it in our yard now from weeks ago.

    Julie, I love it! And this reminds me why I'm such a dog person.

    Beth, Love the names Midas and Twister and I'm sorry about Midas. Pets can become part of the family. I bet you miss him.

    Jessica, She's a pro at it.

    Melissa, One smart Rocky--knows what he wants!

    Jessica, (you again?) ;) Aw.

    Erica, Our dog pulls that whenever it's about to storm. Clingmeister.

    Jaime, Yep, my hubby is allergic to cats too. Funny.

    Patti, I can't tell you how many fish I killed as a kid. Too much food. Not enough clean water. Surprised our dog is 12. :D

    Loree, I remember you were my go-to girl when it came to Greyhounds. You were my research. Missed that piece of it in my novel. But I got the roo in.

    lauren, Samoyeds are said to have that permanent happy face. Works to their disadvantage when they're really angry, I bet.

    Lacie, Heck yeah, that fish is livin' it up under the sea! And yep, we get lots of attention on hem, the dog gets lots of attention on walks.

    Keli, This is why we are such good friends.

    Jeanette, We's got to do what we's got to do, eh. Dishes, poops...they can wait. :D

    Sarah, Prime viewing spot. Nice!

    Stacy, That's what you think. They're probably thinking hey what's this about chocolate bunnies. When do we get some of that chocolate? :D

    I had such a blast writing this post. I'm glad I wasn't the only one amused by my kookiness. I loved both The Art of Racing in the Rain and Marley & Me so I knew I'd inevitably try my hand at dog speak. Wonder how accurate I was?

    ~ Wendy

  24. Delightful post! I don't have any pets now, but Sarah Cat would have said, "She THINKS she owns me, but I own her!"

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